I decided to celebrate my last day of my first solo travel experience by spending the afternoon at the famed Hotel Russie. Dressed in the prettiest and cleanest (man do I need to do laundry) sundress I brought, I found a comfortable spot on an oversized couch in their beautiful Stravinsky bar and ordered a glass of prosecco, a lobster salad and a decadent molton chocolate souffle cake for dessert. Two hours reading, enjoying a glorious lunch (prepared by an African American chef named Vernon I might add) and an entire basket of bread was a gift one does not often allow oneself.
Promptly at 2:30 pm I made my way to their health spa, for a facial and massage that will surely set me back a month's rent. Valentina was my aesthetician - the most gorgeous and talented little thing with magic "man hands" (which when you like a firm massage, is a plus) I have ever had the pleasure of being fondled by. Something about European trained aestheticians can't be beat, its kinda like they are breed to do this (kinda like Eastern European Gymnasts or Ice Skaters). Laying comfortably under a mask that smelled remotely like avocados, coffee and smashed up McDonald's french fries (don't ask me) my mind began to recount my past two weeks here and all of the things I experienced. Thus the following list was born:
THINGS I LEARNED WHILE IN ROME
- For being the birthplace of wine, THEY DON'T DRINK HERE! Seriously, one glass does not a celebration make people.
- If ancient ruins get in the way of urban planning, no problem. Just declare the building a landmark and integrate the ruins into the architecture - modern, post Mussolini, whatever.
- If you wander around in giant designer sunglasses or stylish reading glasses with an aire of "fuck you, I'm Italian" even the locals thing you're local
- Stilettos and Cobblestones DO mix apparently
- When in Rome...
- Blatant leering (by either sex) IS a compliment
- $150 euro (approximately $250 USD) a night gets you an army cot in a hotel that saw its hayday around 1965. +$400 euro gets you the same thing, in a better part of town.
- Good coffee is addicitive (dammit)
- Stoplights, street signs, signals and police directions are optional when navigating the streets of Rome. Don't even THINK about driving here (did you see the picture of the Smart car - wanna bet it was an American???)
- A strangely odd number of very attractive black people, live and work here.
- The Policia are not here to serve and protect - unless you are a ruin, national monument, a foreign dignitary or a HOT woman. Otherwise, good luck to you.
- One CAN live on bread alone.
- iPhones can be used as currency.
- Traveling solo can be the most invigorating, frustrating, lonely, fun, forced socialization experience ever.
- To the rest of the world, queues are unnecessary nuisances only populated by American pigs. Pushing is MUCH more effective.
- Life is less about doing, that it is seeing and being seen.
- Beware of Romans bearing gifts, or was it Greeks. Either way, it involved a big ass horse and some dude who tried to warn them being eaten by snakes. Bummer.
- Jesus was the original OG.
- The dudes who wrote that little book called The Bible were REAL DUDES! Seriously, I saw their bones.
- Something about disappearing into a crowed of millions in the birthplace of modern civilization to give you perspective.
- Everyone speaks fluent Italian, English, French AND Spanish except for us illiterate American Pigs. Umm, 4 years of high school French doesn't count?!
- Ancient Romans had a thing for bathing, they build elaborate buildings and layed intricate mosaics in celebration of them. So what happened?
- And finally, the last thing I learned while in Rome...that there is no place like home.
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