Ok, at least I slept until about 6:15 today. WHOO HOO for small victories. What's nice about it is that people have always told me mornings are beautiful so now I can at least confirm for myself, yup, they certainly are. But don't think I'll be making a habit of this when I come home or anything...
Today's workshop was about Living in the Moment and Healing Your Spirit. She's up for a challenge with me. Our discussion centered around the easy to explain (but nearly impossible for most people to live) concept that the past and the future do not really exist - there is only the present moment. Right. The challenge is in that one cannot allow themselves to be driven by memories of the past or the fear/the anticipation of future events, they are part of the whole, but everything we do now (including choosing happiness) will directly impact the course of our life. Wrap your mind around that for awhile.
The Spirit told Marian (if you are not yet a believer, just go with it for arguments sake - I promise you just may be after today...) that we were done with talking and that she needed to perform some healing on me. I laid down on the couch as she talked me into a quiet meditative state. We had discussed certain areas of my body where I tend to hold my stress (my shoulders, my diaphram area and my lower right pelvic region - the last two I have struggled with mystery ailments for at least a decade). She moved her hands over me "moving energy" through my body. As she moved her hands above these areas the "heat" became more intense, as if someone or something was drawing it out. Then she began to repeat statements, though in her voice, sounded almost as if they could come from me - from the voice(s) inside my head. The message of this session was my body's willingness to let go of the "pain and anger" but my minds strong desire to "hold on" as a protective mechanism. The good news was that I was letting go, albeit slowly (and you didn't think I was that stubborn...) but that was ok. It was an intense experience that left me a bit drained and quite contemplative about exactly what had happened.
After lunch we went to visit some ancient Native American ruins before my appointment with a Native American Shaman. Now THAT should be interesting. At the very least maybe I could get a cool Native American name like "She who loves shoes" or "Runs with Rockstars" or maybe "Cooks like a Madwoman".
The ruins were called Honanki and were the remnants of 6,000 year old cliff dwellings located about 10 miles outside of Sedona down this dirt road at the base of a Mesa. They aren't very well know, so minus one jeep tour we were on our own. This was the first time I was able to see cave drawings up close and personal. It was amazing to think that people lived their entire existence in this dessert and were capable of such advanced thinking and survival techniques. I spent some time just wandering through the foliage at the base of the Mesa and took it all in. We really are just a blip in the existence and what we know about of this entire planet. Puts life in perspective doesn't it.
On the way to the Shaman's house (yes, he lives in a house not a tee pee or mud hut), we started to discuss the lives of ancient Native American Tribes and what happened to many of them, including the tribe (descendants of the Hopis) who lived at Honanki. Well, this particular tribe of about 10,000 people vanished one day without a trace, which strangely enough is the fate of a few other tribes in the area. Where did they go? Well, that is where our conversation got interesting. After my crack about the spaceship coming down and taking them home, my "wacky and crazy" Uncle Gary began to talk about a theory that involved "portals" to other dimensions. Apparently many Native Americans and other believers believe that Arizona is full of them. That the period we are in is actually the 4th dimension of sorts as we are forced to leave other dimensions after some disaster that has rendered their world uninhabitable. This conversation then progressed onto shape shifting, everyone's intuitive/psychic powers and even my own ability to call upon the spirits of those I hold dear for signs that they are there to guide me. Uhhh...this where they lost me about. It's not that I DON'T believe, its more like I am unsure if I am ready for an experience like that. Its the Catholic Dogma still at work. The same one that told me bringing a Ouija board into my house would call up Satan and I would never be able to loose him and that would be a bummer.
My Shaman (cause well, you don't have one now do you) is named Clay Miller. Damn, if he doesn't have a cool Native American name, what are my chances. He at least looked like a Native American, tall dark skin, thin, long grey braids and a life force that emanated from within that really, in my opinion, made him quite attractive. He looked 40 but I knew he had to be much older as we people of color age well (YIPPEE). I later found out he was 58. Damn. I want what he has.
We were invited in his house, past his two dogs a snow while Akita with one blue eye named Hanta Yo and another gold Akita mix named Cheyenne. Other than the fact that they are Japanese snow dogs by breed, they really seemed fitting as Akitas tend to look like descendants from wolves. We sat down in a circle and clay began to chat with me. What I noticed about my (recent time spend with) Intuitive people is that while they pay intense attention to you at times, other times you can see actually see when they are being "spoken to" from "others" as they seem to "leave the space". Clay did this quite a few times at the beginning of our discussion. He began by telling me a bit about spiritual energy throughout the world. As our discussion (ok mostly him talking) progressed, he felt a need to tell me about a woman he just worked with the other day. He went out into nature and had this woman gather rocks to represent some of the things she was feeling inside. The first rock she gathered was a large smooth black rock - Clay said this represented her father figure. The next rock she gathered was a smaller, mostly smooth, but slightly jagged white rock - Clay said that this rock represented her mother. He then asked me to pick a rock that I think would represent a child (as this point I am starting to realize he's not talking about the woman anymore...). I picked out this small smooth rock, pink in color, with a bright red spot on the top and a "calcified" white top all around the red spot. He said this rock represented happiness and joy of a child.
He said, that there was a lot of animosity that "this woman" had towards the white rock that it did not "protect her" when she needed it most - mostly from the black rock. Aunt Marian gasped at this point, while tears began to well up in my eyes. Then he randomly grabbed another large, multi-colored rock and said "this is a relationship that has just ended". Gulp. Gasp. NO F'N WAY! Seems that while my heart and spirit were buying into this, my head was like "ok, WHO told him what?! You Aunt Marion. Oh, it's gotta be you Gary". But the looks on their faces told me otherwise. This is the point in the program where you just need to believe I guess. Hmm.
For the remainder of our session, I pulled 4 more rocks and we went through what they meant to me. The most poignant thing that came out of it, was a rock that stood up on end, kinda like a seal poking his head out of the ocean. This rock represented me. Clay told me that my "power animal spirit guide" was a seal. And smiled. A seal huh? Well, I do live in San Francisco and I once made a seal in highschool ceramics class....a seal it is. I guess.
I left there, a bit more spent than I was earlier in the day. To "cheer me up" or maybe cause they wanted it to, we stopped by dairy queen for blizzards and sundaes. I KNEW they were my favorite aunt and uncle.
I came back and went for a walk before dinner. Part of me felt like maybe I needed to be journaling, but most of me felt like I was accomplishing so much by just "being" that maybe I just needed to indeed, BE in the moment and just take in everything I have been learning about myself. Also, the day wasn't over. I had one more healing session. Oh for Christ, God, Buddha, Allah and Pete's sake - what MORE could I possibly have to give at this point?! Are we moving onto my past lives? Can't my seal and I just catch a break?
The healing session began with Gary leading me in meditation. As I was to focus on my
"intent" of this session, he said a Navajo Prayer and began to sing/chant over me. They say you may have "visions" during such a session, but all I saw were visions of Native American Dancers and even a few Mayans to throw in. Who knows if that was my vision or if it was because I was reading National Geographic about Native Peoples earlier in the day. As he then played the Aboriginal Digderedoo over my meditative body to bring the vibrations of the earth and music into my body, Marion came in and lead me on an adventure with my Seal. Ok, this should be good. My seal and I frolicked in the ocean, zipping through like Harry Potter on his broom, at what felt like mach speed. When asked what my animal guides message was for me, he apparently talked to me (ok, who slipped the peyote in the incense?) and told me that "I need to enjoy life. It was there for me and would make sure I have everything I need. Just enjoy it". While doing this I suddenly realized I was in the ocean swimming with a seal. And besides me what was the natural predator of seals? SHARKS!? FUCK! I felt myself panic, but my animal guide came up to me and said "Yup, there are sharks, but there are always sharks so why worry about them" and swam away, still doing underwater acrobatics. As Marian led me "back into my body" I bid the seal farewell and opened my eyes.
Now while what happened was interesting and I am not sure how much was my spirit talking, how much was Marian and how much was my mind conjuring these things up - what I do know is that the session lasted 45 minutes and felt like 5, maybe 10 at the most. Strange.
As I crawled into bed exhausted, I thought about my day. We spend a lot of time being who we think other people or even we, think we should be. This often leads to a certain amount of anxiety or frustration with the world we live in. But inside us all there is a true self SCREAMING to be let out, even if we don't realize it. I like to compare it to a game of hide and seek - the answers aren't always in plain sight, but they are there. Sometimes you just need to look a little deeper and a little harder, but eventually you will find them -- no matter how far they run, no matter where they hide.
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