Day 23 - Sedona to SFO - BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!

exclaimed my mind as it was quick to jump in as I once again, woke up at an ungodly hour. This time, 4:30 a.m. As a good friend of my likes to say, Oy. So my mind didn't feel alone, my emotions (hello tears, I've missed you so...for like 12 whole hours) and physical self (in the form of a big ole knot in my stomach) were quick to join the party. It seemed only my spirit sat quietly and calmly in the background stating "you will be alright, you have everything you need - inside".

I can only compare this feeling to what someone feels coming out of rehab. You spend weeks, if not months, in a comforting and loving environment building up inner strength only to feel TOSSED OUT one day, naked, scared and alone facing a sometimes cold and dark world. Who knew I had so much in common with Lindsey and Britney (I feel you my sistas). Sigh.

I spend the morning gorging myself on my last home cooked meal (at least one I didn't have to homecook) and talked quietly and ate more slowly with Aunt Marian and Uncle Gary. This morning's blessing was particularly (and intentionally) poignant:

"This is a new day for me, full of possibility and hope." But in embracing it, I must never forget that with every moving forward is a letting go, with every future step is a past release. I now fully choose to let go of my old self and move fully into my new one. With YOUR help, I close the door of the past behind me and move again with faith and assurance."

Marion dropped me at the shuttle stop and hugged me goodbye, as if she was sending a child off to her first day of school. I swear I even heard her gasp for breath as I held in my own tears. As I sat quietly in the front seat of the shuttle ensconced in the safety of my iPod alone with my thoughts, I watched the landscape change from the majestic red rocks of Sedona, the rolling brush covered hills of the Verde Valley and the barren, cactus dotted landscape of Phoenix. The two hour ride brought me comfort and time for reflection about all I experienced this week - the emotional searching, the shocking revelations, the fear and trepidation, the tremendous growth of spirit, the astonishing natural beauty, the kindness and love of two strangers who are now family.

There were some jokes as I left that I hopefully wouldn't run off and join a cult or come back some sort of devote fundamentalist freak or come back with tattoos and a shaved head (wait a second...). While most of those didn't occur, I am changed. I still love my shoes and my car and my rockstars, but something is different.

After landing in San Francisco, I walked off the plane out to greet my ride and took a deep breath of sea air and smiled. It's good to be home. Home to a city I love, home to the people who are always there for me, and home to the most important thing of all. The thing I spent a lot 3 weeks and thousands of miles looking for - me. And with that thought my heart, mind, body and spirit all smiled.

"You will be alright, " my spirit repeated "you have everything you need - inside."